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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of aiming to be considerate and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my family and friends and co-workers, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to speaking to others or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used correctly. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once benefited us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and accept who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and anxiety.

Even reflecting afterward can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This approach will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.